My heart holds more love for you than you will likely ever know. I have loved you from the moment I knew you had been conceived and I love you now. I don’t like or approve of everything you do, the choices you make, the friends you keep, or the habits you develop, but those things do not diminish my love for you.
You have made choices in your life that brought you to where you are today. I warned you about them, and being young, headstrong, and independent, you chose not to heed my words. I don’t judge you for that, for once I was young also.
I still have a hard time understanding why the gangsta lifestyle appeals to you. I remember it starting before you were a teenager. I know lots of kids listen to the music of that movement and are never in trouble with the law. Sometimes they never do drugs, get involved in illegal activity, or choose friends who are heavily entrenched in that lifestyle; you did. You idolized the rappers you heard on the radio and saw in videos. You wanted to be and do all that they talked about. You wanted to be tough, to be hard, and to dress and look the part. I didn’t get it then, and I don’t get it now.
I think of your childhood often these days. When you were a little girl you used to wear those little dress-up princess shoes. You could run in those little wedge heels; fast as greased lightning. You once loved horses, riding rodeo, and rescuing puppies from the pound. You used to love God, church, your friends, and your childhood dream of being a “gospel-singing, rodeo-riding missionary” You lost that little girl and her dreams somewhere along the way and I hope somehow, while you’re away in prison, that you can rediscover at least a little piece of her.
I don’t expect you to go back to the way you were before you started heading in a negative direction. In fact, that would be impossible. I simply hope that you can rediscover and hold on to that part of yourself that was innocent, full of dreams and ambition, and wide-eyed with wonder at the world around you. Perhaps you can find her and nurture her and let her grow a little bit within you so you can find some sort of peace and happiness with yourself…..and maybe figure out who you want to be when you get out of there. It’ll be your perfect opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start over again.
Meanwhile, I’ll be right here, hoping and praying you can figure out how to merge that little girl you were with the woman you have become; someone you can be at peace with and love, nourish and care for. I will continue to write to you, support you, and love you…and to believe, as always, that you are smart enough and beautiful enough to be anything in the world your heart desires.
I don’t know you or your daughter, but I could FEEL you in your writing. I’m bawling like a baby at the rawness of your words. My prayers are with you both!!
Thanks so much Rita B……as a mom and as a writer, I appreciate your comments. It is said that good writing causes others to feel what you felt when you wrote the piece. You are spot-on. I bawled when I was writing it. 🙂
Rachel , this was wonderful yet sad. I will be praying for her an I know with what was instilled in her from you , she will return to it., that is a promise God gives us in His Word. I pray a stronger person./ Love you my friend
Thank you, Kathy. She is actually doing okay in there and tells me she is glad she got caught before she ended up dead.
I love this Rachel. I feel so blessed to have gotten the chance to know the innocent baby Kristin that you write so eloquently of. Until reading this, I had forgotten but it triggered back so many memories and now the tears and compassion are over flowing from within the deepest part of my heart. So thank you. I really cherish the time that I got to spend with her. I so wish that I could have done something more in her life to influence her away from the dark side. We all have a dark side. Some of us keep that darkness buried deep down and rarely feed it. And some of us love the taste and forbidden nature of it and begin to grow that side of themselves. I don’t judge Kristin for any of the things that she has done. I have a lot of compassion and love for her. I do really wish that she had not done them because of the potential that she had to do anything and create so much beauty in the world. But What is done is done, and now I pray for her healing. I really hope that she can find herself. People transform their lives all the time. It is possible for her to realize and awaken to her true self, buried beneath her self-constructed gangster person….there still is that horseriding gospel singing little girl. She just has many layers to break through to find her again. But I really believe that she can change and grow and become the person she was always meant to be, she just needs as much love and support as possible and Im so glad that you are there for her. Love you Mimi! It felt good to finally cry for Kristin today.
Oh, Sweet Orly…thank you so much for your heartfelt comments. I haven’t had my crying spell yet; don’t know if I will. Guess I got it out of my system a long time ago and am just relieved she is locked up instead of worse. As hard as it is to admit, I’ve spent the last few years preparing myself for the worst kind of news in regard to my children. Thankful I don’t have to worry about that as much these days.
Beautifully written, my friend. Your daughter is stunningly beautiful and I pray she finds her beauty within and her purpose in life. We give our children the best we know how. We also give them roots and wings. Hopefully, her journey this day forward is a positive, loving, blessed adventure.
Thanks, Fran. I think she’s beautiful, too. Glad I am not alone in what I always figured was simply a mother’s biased opinion. 🙂 I think she’ll come out on the other side of this a bit better for the experience. Appreciate your comments, my friend.